Wintering: Creating Warmth Through Boundaries
As we begin burrowing into the winter of the Midwest and the upcoming holiday season, I have been heavily considering the relationship between wintering and boundaries. Wintering often includes the intentional practice of slowing down, resting, and turning inward during difficult or dormant seasons, much like nature does in winter. Additionally, boundaries are particularly applicable during this time as they help to protect emotional energy, allowing space for reflection, healing, and renewal.
There are approximately 29 holidays observed by seven of the world’s major religions between November 1st and January 15th. This time offers wonderful opportunities for community, rituals, and reflection. It often also comes with stress, travel, late-stage capitalism nonsense, and possibly time with family/community members with whom we may need to hold firm boundaries.
As a gentle reminder, there is no singular “right” way to spend the next two and a half months. Meaning, there is no one celebration or ritual that holds greater objective meaningfulness than another. You get to choose whether you spend it with your family of origin, chosen family, pets, and/or community. Empowerment lies in honoring the choice in how/when/if you choose to celebrate.
How to Show Up: Holiday Boundaries 101
In the midst of the freedom to choose your own path, it is important to remain mindful of your well-being and how you are showing up with others. This may also mean that you spend it with family/community members who ‘push’ your buttons or have a history of violating your boundaries. If that has been your experience and/or you are anticipating similar dynamics, here are some reminders to keep in your back pocket.
Boundaries are focused on creating a safe amount of separation between ourselves and others. The focus is not punishment or distancing, rather the opposite. Boundaries are ways we show love and care, allowing for relationships to be trusting and sustainable. Without them, resentment grows quickly! The deepest forms of connectedness and intimacy in relationships occur in the midst of boundaries.
Boundaries are best expressed clearly and directly. Amy Braun, LCPC, put together a list of 50 common phrases that are helpful in communicating your boundaries in her Mom Therapy Chicago blog. Some of my personal favorites include:
“I am not able to do that right now.” or “I need some time to think about that.”
“I am not comfortable discussing that.”
“That’s not something I can prioritize right now.”
“I’d appreciate if you didn’t do that.”
“I’m not interested in discussing my body, anyone’s body, or food choices.”
If you come from a family or community where boundaries were not modeled appropriately or effectively, then the focus of this season is not about getting others to agree with your boundaries. Rather, it is communicating clearly then MAINTAINING the boundary. If your boundaries are repeatedly violated, you can remove yourself. Some ways to communicate that could be, “When my boundaries aren’t being respected, I choose to remove myself from the situation to protect my well-being.” Another option is "If someone continues to ignore what I have said, I will step away rather than stay in an environment that feels disrespectful."
Learning to enforce boundaries and remove yourself when necessary is part of creating a practice and cadence of relating that honors your well-being. Simply the act of stepping away from disrespectful situations demonstrates consideration for yourself. Through the practice of this type of intentional care, you have cultivated a slowed, restorative pace that wintering encourages. One where your needs are validated, and you are nurtured.
As we prepare for the days to be shorter, the air to get crisper, and our layers to get thicker, there is a reminder that stillness in wintering is not stagnation, rather a slowed rhythm of renewal and care. In honoring our need to slow down, we draw boundaries to protect our sense of self and create space for our needs.
In closing, I hope this served as a loving reminder of your own humanity and validity of your needs. In the chaos, may you find a moment of calm. In the challenges, may you find a moment of returning to yourself. In the rush, take the rest and may you find a moment to breathe.
Interested in working with Kelsey? Connect with her at KelseySchroeder@RoomToBreatheChicago.Com!