Many of us have noticed a social shift that destigmatizes therapy and mental health care, which is incredibly important! However, an unhelpful offshoot has become the common use of therapy terms outside of therapy spaces. Terms including “boundaries,” “triggers,” “narcissism,” “trauma response,” “love bombing,” and “gaslighting” have become colloquial, and of concern are often being used inaccurately.
No, you most likely aren’t “triggered” when you experience anxiety due to receiving difficult feedback from your boss. Someone isn’t a “narcissist” when they spend 45 minutes of a conversation talking about their workout routine or promotion without asking you a question about yourself. A potential dating partner isn’t “love bombing” you if they tell you that you are the “most amazing person they have ever met” (dopamine and oxytocin are real- that is probably just lust causing some neurochemical shifts in the brain. Or maybe you are the most amazing person they have ever met.) And no, your partner isn’t “gaslighting” you when you argue about a conversation from the previous month where you remember a situation or scenario differently.
Language is important. Words mean something. Communication is the root system that builds, maintains, and sustains one basic need for survival: relationships. Although there is benefit to a greater holistic understanding and social acceptance of diagnostic terms and healing language, the uptake of “therapy talk” has been seen to actually perpetuate harmful relational patterns.
I once heard a saying from my colleague, Margy, that in therapy, “you gotta name it to tame it”. Meaning, to process deeper emotional relational patterns, enhance self-intimacy or understanding, and build out new patterns of behavior/practices, we must be aware of what is currently happening within ourselves. Part of labeling patterns within building insight can use therapeutic language. We do this with the goal to then apply this knowledge and enhance change. That being said, having clinical language or “therapy talk” spilling outside therapeutic spaces often leaves us without nuance, ambiguity, and emotional vulnerability. All of which are required for effective relationships.
What it boils down to is that your therapy talk may be preventing you from real, honest, vulnerable conversations. Thus, perpetuating avoidance. Therapy talk often is used inaccurately to shut down conflict, prevent practices of vulnerability through figuring your way through hard or complex conversations, and disrupt communication of appropriate boundaries and bids for connection. You may be trying to say something with great intention, AND a lot can be lost when we don’t allow discomfort and nuance.
So, what can we do?
Well, for starters, we can expand our willingness to tolerate (healthy-enough) conflict and ambiguity. Emotion regulation practices do WONDERS for us and our relationships (*nudge nudge, our yoga studio can make these practices more accessible for you*). Additionally, we can trade clinical jargon for adjectives. Use descriptive words. Challenge yourself to describe it as if you were 5 years old. Sit with ambiguity (like really sit- not take three seconds and move on with your day- you are worthy of the space), then work toward experiencing the sensation and identifying emotion. Stop diagnosing other people- you are wasting your time and energy (change doesn’t work that way, trust me). Recalibrate that energy and attention back to yourself, your part of the relational pattern/concrete behaviors, and what you do or don’t want to change.
Lastly, allow room for human messiness. We don’t need to reduce the beautiful complexities of life into binaries or rigid labels. None of us have (or will ever have) perfected what it means to be human or in relationship with others. We don’t have to. Ensure you are leaving space for your own, as well as others’ mess, and your relationships will benefit. Ultimately, in the space for nuance lives the space for deeper connection.
Continue learning with these resources:
American Psychological Association- Speaking of Psychology with Dr. Taisha Caldwell-Harvey and Dr. Erin Parks https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/therapy-speak
Being Well Podcast: What’s The Problem with Therapy Speak (Dr. Rick Hanson and Forrest) https://rickhanson.com/being-well-podcast-whats-the-problem-with-therapy-speak-august-mailbag/
Interested in working with Dr. Kelsey? Connect with her at KelseySchroeder@RoomToBreatheChicago.Com